I Can't Do This Anymore! When the "Can-Do" Attitude is Long Gone and Remote Schooling Becomes Real

This morning, while making funny faces and singing silly songs on a video call with my wonderful, year-old granddaughter, I heard my daughter Jen's voice raise to sharper-than-usual levels as she announced, "This is your last warning. Don't come out of that room AGAIN until recess!"

Strange words to hear at 9:00am on a Monday morning when in past times, first graders were tucked safely in table clusters, in classrooms across America, enthusiastically trying NOT to visit with their tablemate or chew on their pencil erasers. My grandson, EJ exited his workspace at least 4 more times within a span of about 27 minutes that I was on the video call with Jen. The final time he had changed into his beloved roller skates in order to hurry up and get to the bathroom, then back to the tablet that is now his classroom. Or so was his explanation. Each time he emerged, my precious, loving daughter demonstrated more and more frustration as the tones in her voice lifted and fell between shrill pleas and deep threats to get him to fully engage in his online classroom. This is a side of my daughter I'd not witnessed before. And let's face it across the country, and in some parts, the world, parents are finding parts of themselves that they likely never imagined possible!

All over the country school districts are trying to mitigate as much threat to the safety and health of our children as possible. In this global pandemic officials and leaders are working to keep our children, teachers and staff from the possibility of coming into contact with the dread Coronavirus by not being in close contact with one another, and the surfaces that our respiratory droplets can land on. Some districts have implemented stringent precautions in order to keep children in school with a routine that is as close to normal as possible. Some districts have tested innovation with hybrid models of school that have children in clean and sanitized classrooms for a portion of the day, and learning remotely for the rest. Still others have decided that fully remote learning is the safest measure for students and staff right now and have partnered, although involuntarily perhaps, with parents and caregivers in the home to help support a rigorous learning process from beyond the physical influence of their child's teacher. Whatever the new and uncharted situation, parents are feeling the burn (heartburn!) of learning experiences that many, if not most of them have never before ventured. Months ago we were "all in", with a "can-do" attitude! Everyone was shifting on a dime and figuring out new ways to get work done, have recreation, be together in close quarters all of the time, and ensure that children could keep learning.

Now, I see (and hear) that attitude waning. Along with the frustration of trying, and feeling that they're failing to make online school engaging and meaningful, many parents are also trying to reinvent themselves professionally, keep themselves safe and healthy, work essential jobs, hourly jobs, or look for jobs. For so many parents now, something's got to give! To be sure, remote learning for young children isn't ideal. It isn't even developmentally appropriate. There is no part of the developing brain that learns best on screen. Children learn in human, physical contact and in relationship to others. This we know. But we know too, that these are unprecedented times, only vaguely even imagined by the creators of that old cartoon, "The Jetsons", where citizens darted around in hovercrafts, meals were delivered in seconds, and Elroy and Judy learned the "The 3 Rs" from the comfort of their bedrooms on screens only as yet imagined in this real world. But here we are. We don't have a better, or at least safer option yet. This is the moment we are in, with our precious little learners doing learning in ways they've not ever done before. It's upon us, the adults, parents, and caregivers to hold it together for ourselves and for them, until innovation meets the mother of invention and reveals that better, more meaningful way.

As my daughter turned the camera from my sad and frustrated grandson, slowly panning across the 1-year-old shenanigans of my granddaughter, and finally to her own tired and disheartened expression, I saw the darker-than-her-skin melanin circles under her eyes and I missed the laughter and slight glint of proud independence that used to live in them. Her laugh lines were gone. Replaced with something like a grimace that I didn't really recognize. Not from her. My daughter looked at me and said, "I can't do it anymore." I can't make EJ stay online and do his school. On the weekends, there's no yelling and no tears. I'm not a teacher, I don't know what to do."

Well, neither do I precious girl. But we're in this together and I've got something to offer. Maybe a small stop-gap. Maybe a helpful tip or two. Here are some things to try that may take the threats, the tears, and the sting out of learning at home together.

1. Ramp up the Reassurance. More than anything else our children need to know that although things have changed and even adults might be unsure, we are focused on keeping them healthy and safe. Tell your child more, much more, that they are loved and how important it is to you that they are healthy and safe.

2. Create Continuity. Be creative in your own home and do things together that you've not done before. Elevate chores to projects! Cook, clean, organize, and be creative together. Give your child jobs they can take pride in doing, even if it isn't done perfectly, and make the experiences cooperative, not punitive.

3. Partner with Key People. Don't be afraid to reach out to your child's teacher to talk about what's working and what's not, so much. This is new territory for teachers too. With an honest and cooperative approach it can be quite helpful to their planning to learn from parents that 30 seconds isn't quite enough for their 1st grader to transition from one subject to another. Or that your 4th grader really got excited about that project that required him to share his screen and give a book report! Together you and key people can inform the remote learning experience from both vantage points.

4. Be Generous with the Gentleness. For yourself and for your little learner. It is okay to take it down a few notches and just explain to your child that you are feeling frustrated and why. Invite them to share with you what is hard about learning at home. Give yourself and your child affirmation of the all the hard parts. And then work on ways to enhance or decrease them. Don't be afraid to be innovative here; If your child needs to stand to get through the Social Studies lesson, or focus on a fidget spinner, explore that. If soft, soothing music or a slightly open window helps them focus, try it. These are different times, calling for different measure. Just remember to communicate with your child's teacher what's happening in the home to help them, and help your child to attend and get the most out of remote learning.

Though I couldn't, I longed to wrap my eldest daughter in my arms and give her a big warm hug. I wanted to show up with my overnight bag and give her a break for a few days and spend that time learning with EJ during his online school time. I wanted to catch a flight out to Texas to make faces and be silly in person with my granddaughter. All I can offer her though, during these COVID times, is a link to this blog and all the video-chat reassurance that she can do this. Even if it doesn't feel like she's doing it right. You've got this Buttercup. Take a deep breath, get a cup of tea, and carry on.